Today I was supposed to meet you, sweet baby. I was supposed to hear you cry for the first time, hold you tight, see if you had my eyes or your daddy's nose. But God had other plans.
March 2nd is a day that I have dreaded since last Summer. For most people, today is just another Friday, another work week finished, another weekend beginning. But for me, it is the day my life was supposed to change. Today, I was going to fulfill my life long dream of becoming a mom. I was going to watch the love of my life become the amazing dad I know he is meant to be. I looked forward to witnessing the outpouring of love from our friends and family--knowing just how loved our precious baby would be. But God had other plans.
During these last several months I have clung tight to several verses and songs--Isaiah 60:22, Psalm 145:18, Psalm 147:3, Revelation 21:4, First by Lauren Daigle, Even If by MercyMe, Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns, and Thy Will by Hillary Scott and The Scott Family. Jesus was my saving grace, music was my therapy.
I read a lot of things that spoke to me, but one verse in particular, Daniel 3:18, made me want to dig deeper, so I began to read the story written in Daniel Chapter 3. King Nebuchadnezzar ordered that a statue be assembled which everyone would be required to worship. Anyone who disobeyed his command was subject to "immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace." Daniel 3:6. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego refused to worship the idol and this infuriated the King. He essentially told them that if they didn't do as he had commanded, that no god would be able to save them. Instead of giving in and avoiding death, they responded by saying, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from Your Majesty's hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image you set up." Daniel 3:17-18. Wow. Here these men were, almost certainly facing an unimaginable death and all they had to do was worship the King's statue to avoid it. But they refused because they were faithful. Not only did they recognize that God was able to save them, but they also acknowledged that even if He didn't--He was still their God, He was still good. And you know what God did? He allowed an angel to save them from the fire, completely unharmed. When the King saw what had been done he was amazed and declared, "no other god can save in this way." Daniel 3:29. What an incredible testimony these men now had!
I so often fail at remembering this--that "if not," He is still good, He is still faithful. After my miscarriage, I stepped away from God for a moment. It was difficult for me to see in that pain that He was still good. But since then, I have realized that even though I may never understand why my baby wasn't meant to be, I can rest assured that my God is always good. I pray that my faith is like that of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. That I am able to trust that God will deliver me from the fire, that I will remember that His plan is perfect, and allow Him to use my story to further His kingdom.
Today, I did not become a mother. My husband did not become a dad. I did not get to hold you in my arms, rock you, or give you a million kisses. As much as I have realized that it was not meant to be, I can't help but often think, especially on days like today, how much I wish you were here with us. But God had other plans.
I know, though, that you are in a place so perfect we can't even begin to imagine it. You are safe, you are cherished, you are loved. I have no idea if Baby Barnett was going to be a girl or boy, but I chose to call them Malachi, meaning 'my angel.' And I know, my angel, we will meet you one glorious day.
I know so many people have experienced miscarriage and infertility and I hope that those struggling can find hope and strength in Jesus. I may not have become a mother today, but I know without a doubt that God has big things planned for us! Whether I am able to carry a child, we are able to adopt or foster, or whether He decides another path for our life, He is still good and so is this life He has given us.
Though the road we are traveling may often be painful, let us hold on to His promises, "I will be with you when you pass through the waters, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. You will not be scorched. When you walk through the fire, and the flame will not burn you. For I Yahweh your God, the Holy One of Israel, and your Savior, give Egypt as a ransom for you," Isaiah 43:2-3a. "Though the mountains move and the hills shake, My love will not be removed from you and My covenant of peace will not be shaken," says your compassionate LORD." Isaiah 54:10.
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